Here you go, dear readers, here is a little Friday warm up for whatever other terrible decisions you have planned for the weekend: watch this video of some Fox News dildo and his sidekick as they flop around in fruity wigs and rain down the musical equivalent of ten million anesthesia-free lobotomies on a delighted CPAC audience. Don’t miss the part near the end with the hysterical screams of “KNICKERS! I CAN SAY KNICKERS!!” as the black guy walks out.

IT WAS OFF THE HOOK:

[YouTube]

Here, via Operative/”Wonkette Guy” Garrett Quinn, is a photo of Mitt Romney after taking off all of his clothes and human skin. “TICKETS, TICKETS” he was demanding like a lunatic. No one knew what he was talking about. Mitt, get your clothes back on! “FISH HEADS, FISH HEADS, FEED MY SKULL FISH HEADS,” he then went on, before his handlers tackled him and dragged him back to the Lab for a fundraiser with other Ticket Robots.

Most people, when they imagine combat troops fighting in a war, picture gunfire and helicopters and blood and death. Rick Santorum, on the other hand, pictures sort of a dusty night club lit by the odd intermittent explosion where you know what happens when you leave the boys and girls alone in there too long together. Not HETEROSEXUAL INTERCOURSE, oh ha ha no, the Pope forbid, he means unbridled tenderness, the “natural” result whenever humans of differing genitalia commingle. Therefore he officially frowns upon the Pentagon’s new plan to open up thousands of combat-related positions to women, because this will force male soldiers who work around them to become highly “protective” and feel “emotions” like a club of nursing panda bears.

Ugh. TRY DECAF ONE OF THESE DAYS, RICK SANTORUM:

“When you have men and women together in combat, I think men have the emotions when you see a woman in harm’s way. I think that’s something that’s natural, that’s very much in our culture to be protective,” he said.

When host Ann Curry suggested that his remarks on Thursday could be perceived as commentary on “women being emotional,” Santorum said, “Oh no, that’s not the issue.”

“I’ve talked about this issue a lot, and I’ve never raised that as a concern,” he said. “The issue is … how men would react to seeing women in harm’s way or potentially being injured or in a vulnerable position and not be concerned about accomplishing the mission.”

Eh, Rick Santorum doesn’t react with much concern when there’s a woman suffering through a life-threatening condition during pregnancy, so… he’s not a man. Or a human. TRUE STORY. [Politico]

Did your Wonkette visit this thing, at CPAC, called “Founder Roundtable: Where Did We Go Wrong?” featuring Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, Benjamin Franklin, Alexander Hamilton, “Tom” Paine, and Patrick Henry? UMM MAYBE. Look at them all there, behind their old-timey projector. When we left, the debate was still about whether the Constitution was one big old dumb mistake. “It was the human beings that destroyed it,” some Founder said. And that’s what he said to defend the Constitution! What a shitty country.

And here is the Citizens United Theatre Room, in which we watched some porno about Ronald Reagan, hosted by Newt and Callista Gingrich. We’re usually ashamed of our horrendous photography but this depiction of Cally as a indiscernible blinding white monster sort of… works.

Speaking of Newt, he is going to light his farts on fire onstage at 4:10 sharp, so turn on the teevee and keep an old sock nearby.

Mitt Romney has so many children, he must like sexytime at least a little bit, right? No. Mitt Romney is so prim and sexless, his wife actually had to “be the man” when they made the pregnancies. (Weird religious stuff, never mind.) But Mitt Romney does love money! It is the only thing he has ever loved, in fact. This is why he will take piles of dirty porn money from the publisher of sexy 1970s magazine Penthouse. Which still exists?

Yes, it apparently exists … as part of the “Adult Friendfinder” business, which includes “Penthouse, AdultFriendFinder.com, Likemygayphoto.com [and] Bondage.com.” But don’t worry, the holding company is a “venture capital firm,” and that’s how you spell America, with the letters in “venture capital firm.” The Daily Beast posted this thing:

So far Mitt Romney has run a careful, disciplined campaign that has avoided the slightest whiff of impropriety. So why has the former Mormon bishop taken the maximum possible primary donation ($2,500) from Daniel Staton, the chairman of the board of the company that owns Penthouse? This raises embarrassing questions for the GOP frontrunner, who is already facing scrutiny from social conservatives for a number of reasons, not the least of which is his attenuated connection to the pornography industry through his tenure on the board of directors at Marriott, which has been the subject of scrutiny for making adult movies available on pay per view for hotel guests.

Now we will go look for Mitt’s profile on Adult Friendfinder, the end. [Daily Beast]

Please wish our little jewelry-debt piglet a fond and prolonged farewell, Wonketteers. Used to be that a satchel of Austrian Philharmonikers, the kind sold on Fox to unwitting olds, would appear by magick on Newt’s doorstep every morning, like clockwork. Newt would then exchange these coins for goods and services — often campaign-related! — in furtherance of his (more or less) “historical novel” and home-pressed CD-ROM empire. Generally speaking, average, everyday Joe Six-Packs usually cannot afford to throw cash into an open sewer to watch a talking face mintz on stage, playing pretend with Wolf Blitzer. So Newt has had to rely on the indulgence of wealthy eccentrics for his daily sack of moneys. Unfortunately, losing every electoral contest in every conceivable way may have finally worn out the unearned generosity to which Newt has become accustomed.

Bloomberg News manfully inspected all of the candidates’ financial filings:

Gingrich and Winning Our Future, an outside political action committee supporting him, are almost silent on television airwaves, offering free water and coffee at events, and revamping a fundraising strategy based largely on the support of a single wealthy backer, Sheldon Adelson, and the Las Vegas casino owner’s family.

[...]

For now, the Adelsons don’t plan to deliver another big check to float Gingrich’s campaign, according to a person familiar with their deliberations. The family has donated a combined $11 million to Gingrich’s super-PAC in the past two months, according to interviews and Federal Election Commission records.

This means that right now, on the teevee, Gingrich is being outspent about 10-to-1 by Mitt Romney’s rival super-PAC Restore Our Future. Things are looking so down for Newt, in fact, that even a practical non-personage like Tim Pawlenty feels loosed enough to join the pile-on:

Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, who dropped out of the primary on Aug. 14 and now backs Romney, said in a Feb 6 MSNBC interview that he hopes Adelson will “shut off the spigot on Newt Gingrich’s super-PAC.”

Paradoxically enough, that comment should provoke enough bile to keep Newt in the race for another 40 or so states. [Bloomberg]

Pissing on the corpses of your victims is so last year! These days, hawt Marines sent to Afghanistan to kill random peasants and/or kill each other have a new prop to show how Xtreme they can get! It’s the Nazi flag used by the Nazis who had the mission of “exterminating the Jewish race.” Eh, Jews/Muslims, same dif?

The Telegraph reports:

A photograph leaked onto the internet showed the heavily-armed troops crouching in front of the banner as it hung below the American flag.

The lightning symbol, once worn by the unit tasked with the extermination of Europe’s Jews, sparked immediate outrage and put the Marines back on the defensive just weeks after an online video showed troops from a different unit urinating on the bodies of dead Taliban fighters.

Did the Nazis give up after Pearl Harbor? NO! [Telegraph via Cryptogon]