What’s up, Michelle Obama? Does your husband, the president, love you so much and is ridiculously sexy about it?

“We have a ritual where he tucks me in, because I’m usually in bed before anybody,” the First Lady spilled. “He’ll come and turn the lights out and give me a kiss, and we’ll talk. He’s like, Ready to be tucked? I’m like, Yes I am.’”

Leave your bedtime fan-fic in the comments. [NYDN, via Wonkette operative "chascates"]

When your Editrix taught political science in the UC system — Scandal, Politics and the Press, naturally — she used TalkingPointsMemo as a class text. This was in the heady days of the Duke Cunningham story, first broken by the San Diego Union-Tribune and then ably followed up for months by TPM. Oh, what fun we had with Duke stewing in his nasty boatdeck hot tub, and also drawing awesome diagrams (from memory) featuring all the various skullduggeries of Jack Abramoff and Dusty Foggo! WELL! TPM is still on the case even today, as it lovingly showcases this WAAAAAAH POOR ME letter from the still-incarcerated Cunningham (for those who didn’t take our class, he was a Congressman with a special predilection for dirty filthy greasy money, going so far as to have A BRIBE MENU printed up and on-hand) to a judge. What would he like? A gun. Because the UT persecuted him by uncovering his story, the IRS made him poor (by seizing all his Crime Loot), and oh, lots of other stuff too! Let us look on TPM’s handiwork in awe and admiration.

First and most importantly, Randy “Duke” Cunningham is a blithering idiot.

Second, he will also like to supliment his food. The End. [TPM]

Hello! Did you miss us? YES YOU DID! We apologize for having abandoned you right when you needed us most — Saturday of Memorial Day Weekend is clearly a time to be inside, on your computer, yelling at Your Wonket. Apparently some of you tried going outside? But we hear you didn’t like it. Here, to make up for our terrible absence, is a gift from us to you, and that is Old Handsome Joe Biden telling a sad terrible story to families of murdered troops.

Weep weep, dear Wonkers! Weep with Old Handsome Joe.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

[RachelMaddow]

Hi! Did you know there is a debate tonight between Scott Walker and that other dude, someone Barrett? (Hey, if the DNC doesn’t know Tom Barrett’s name, why should Your Wonkette?) It is so important it will be preempting Book Discussions on CSpan! (It will also be streaming live, here, for you Poors and you Youngs what ain’t got cable.) Go pee, and gather your beverages, and then we will gather here and go WHY IS IT NOT ON CSPAN and click around frantically, together!

So this is exciting, how they scheduled their debate for 7 8 p.m. Wisconsinese Time on Friday of Memorial Day Weekend, Scott Walker should give his debate negotiating team ALL THE KOCH MUNEEZ.

Also! Your Wonket will be going down for “server maintenance” (as if that is even a thing!) at 10 p.m. Eastern Time. (We can not do timechange math right now, but we presume it will be one hour after it starts.) You will still be able to read (and presumably comment), but Your Editrix will be evaporated in a puff of smoke. So once Your Editrix is raptured (hopefully in the middle of THE VERY BEST PART), please consider it an Open Thread. GOT IT? GOOD! We have been drinking pinot grigiot for two and a half hours already for reals, so let us let the dogs out! Who who, fellows! *Goes to pee.*

All times will be in Wisconsinese, maybe.

8:02 PM — Look at these awesome insurance dudes. They are so Wisconsin! Haha, they want an educated and civil debate. Much luck to them! (Also: sweet staches!)

8:04 PM — Scott Walker is talking, and DAMN are we not gonna be able to truth-squad this shit, Jesus. “The good news is our reforms are working, which is why we have lost more jobs than any other state!” Good intro!

8:06 PM — Oh, good, Tom Barrett will truth-squad it for us. Whew!

8:07 PM — So, Wisconsin Nice. Is that a thing? Because Tom Barrett is doing like the opposite, all “Scott Walker is a criminal billionaire sex doll, and also too INVESTIGATIONS!” He is being negative, is what we are saying, and we are sure Cory Booker does not approve!

8:10 PM — “Our numbers are based on unicorn farts and Barbie Math.”

8:13 PM — People hate Scott Walker for being too awesome (and also too beautiful). Other politicians are all talk! Not Scott Walker! He fixed problems, which is why a million people (maybe?) petitioned to recall him.

8:15 PM — Barrett shoutout to the unions, and the prison guards! Hiiii unions and prison guards! Hiiiii!

8:16 PM — Will Scott Walker be able to weasel out of this very clear and extremely true explanation of how Scott Walker tried to cook the unemployment numbers? PROBABLY! Math. What is it?

8:18 PM — Yup. “The facts are the facts.” Contra Daniel Patrick Moynihan, Scott Walker is entitled to his own facts!

8:20 PM — Okay, hang on. *TRANSCRIBING.* What’s up, Bob Dohr, journalism guy? “Most of the last budget debate was based on the spending side of the ledger, cutting spending to bring the budget in balance. We’d like to talk about the other side, the revenue side, taxes, tax increases, tax cuts, and specifically how you define a tax increase, if a tax credit or deduction gets removed is that a tax increase? Uh, what about previous, um, spending cuts, if they get restored is that a tax increase or things like licensing fees, um, increased paperwork filing fees, if those get increased is that considered a tax increase, so I’d like to know, first of all, your definition of a tax increase, and looking ahead to the next budget, if you plan any of those.” This seems like an EXCELLENT time to go check the roast chicken!

8:26 PM — IMPORTANT UPDATE: The roast chicken is gorgeous.

8:31 PM — Here, have a Twitter from radio commie @allisonkilkenny!

How this would go down in a sane world: “Governor, three of your four aides have been criminally charged…please leave the stage” #widebate

— allisonkilkenny (@allisonkilkenny) May 26, 2012

8:36 PM — Tom Barrett sometimes has “sharp exchanges” (i.e. frowns slightly, looks pained, when someone fucks the goat).

8:37 PM — Scott Walker met an imaginary person once. He is so great that even Democrats can’t help coming up to him and telling him that he has NOT assfucked the state of Wisconsin. (That person was the Loch Ness Monster.)

8:41 PM — Wisconsin doesn’t even have civil unions yet? Now we haz a Sad.

8:43 PM — Lilly Ledbetter in the HOUSE! What WHAT! Your editrix was shocked the other day when one of her son’s friends (who is black) was not going to be casting his first vote for Obama, because “he hasn’t done shit.” (!) But then, when the pressure was on, the ONLY THING SHE COULD THINK OF that Bamz had accomplished was the Lilly Ledbetter Act, and the rest of her mind was totally blank. You know who doesn’t care about Equal Pay and Lilly Ledbetter? 18-year-old boys! For sure. Editrix FAIL.

8:46 PM — Sorry, wasn’t paying attention to Scott Walker. Was he lying?

8:48 PM — So take off your “Hard Democrat” hats and put on, say, your Politico hats. How are the optics here? Is Scott Walker seeming mellow and laid back and Tom Barrett seeming too ANGRY (HONORARY BLACK MAN) UNION THUG? What do you think?

8:53 PM — And Callyson comes through with the fact-check on Walker repealing Equal Pay. All hail Callyson!

8:55 PM — We are about to be bodily lifted right out of our clothes and up to join Jesus in Heaven (because Rapture). You guys lock up when you leave, all right?

Mitt Romney has announced that he will not be canceling his hot Las Vegas dinner date fundraiser with washed-up nut sack Donald Trump just because Donald Trump has been having birther “episodes” in the press — this time that he “knows” Barack Obama was born in Kenya — again. What is Romney supposed to do, go around discriminating against mentally ill people? That is not fair. He will just take their money, like any decent person.

Let us turn to Romney spokesnerd Eric Fehrnstrom for the official rationalization:

“Well, you know, not too long ago, Jay Carney, the spokesman for the White House made a statement which I think is correct, and that statement was that a candidate can’t be responsible for everything that their supporters say. And in this case, Mitt Romney has made it clear that the place of the president’s birth is not an issue for him. He accepts the fact that he was born in Hawaii. And we have many important challenges facing our country, and that’s what we’d rather talk about.”

One might say there is a small difference between having wacky supporters from whom a candidate can distance himself on the one hand and then on the other flying thousands of miles to show up at one of his tacky hotels and fill your pockets with money he gives you. But, eh, small difference.

Actually, the only thing we really wanted to say about this was that Barack Obama has George Clooney to fundraise for him and Mitt Romney has Donald Trump. Hahahahahahaha. [TPM]

Hey Americaphile, what’s new in Jersey? Anything interesting going on with respect to driving tests at whatever New Jersey calls the DMV? Could you please answer in the form of everything in bold and ALL CAPS?

Republican Sens. Gerald Cardinale of Cresskill and Michael Doherty of Warren/Hunterdon offered a bill to require both portions of the examinations for personal licenses – written test and skill test – to be administered only in English.

THIS MEASURE WILL MAKE ENGLISH AVAILABLE TO ALL AND BE A STRONG BULWARK AGAINST BIGOTRY AND RACISM!!!!

That is intriguing indeed! We did not understand the first word in your link back to your previous post about how “English-only” driving tests protect against bigotry and racism, so we will just have to take your word for it. Maybe because all the gross foreigners will be gone, so nobody can be racist against them? Yes, that makes the most sense by far. (At least more sense than Ireland and the Klan what?) But is there something crazier you would like to tell us, maybe what this English-only driving-test bill by these two American heroes has to do with Popery?

THIS MINISTRY SALUTES THESE TOW TWO HEROES FOR THEIR COURAGEOUS EFFORT TO FREE AMERICA’S HIGHWAYS AND URGES ALL PRO-AMERICANS IN NEW JERSEY TO WRITE TO THEIR STATE SENATORS IN SUPPORT OF SENATE BILL 1874!!!!!

HOWEVER, IT IS DISTURBING TO LEARN THAT THESE TWO PRECIOUS PRO-AMERICAN SOULS ARE ENTRAPPED IN POPERY!!!!!

So these fine upstanding tow two Greatest American Heroes are Catholic, is what you’re saying? Hmm, well is there anything they can do about it?

All right, thanks Americaphile. Catch you again on the next slow news day! [Americaphile]

Media Matters just flagged this bizarre statement it found in the transcript of an April speech that Ailes gave at the UNC School of Journalism: “We have one conservative on FOX News, Sean Hannity.” That’s it! Just that one, according to Roger Ailes, who may or may not be losing functioning in his frontal lobe. Or is there another explanation?

Here’s the full part about Hannity:

Well, first, I separate out news from programming. If you’re talking about programming, we noticed that all the talk shows on the other networks basically had progressive or liberal talk show hosts. We have one conservative on FOX News, Sean Hannity. Quite open about it, that’s what he is, that’s what he does, that’s his framework, that’s where he comes from. Others tend to be libertarians or populists or you can’t really tell.

Right. And then it gets weird.

We actually believe in freedom of speech and we have many, many liberals on FOX News. Geraldine Ferraro, for instance, who became a good friend of mine, passed away recently, was there for 10 years. We have a man running for president, Evan Bayh of Indiana. We have Sarah Palin and we have other people, Huckabee and so on.

Either the speech transcriber has brain rot or Roger Ailes does, because we just read that Evan Bayh is running for president and Sarah Palin is a liberal commentator. [UNC School of Journalism via Media Matters]