Did you know that Rick Santorum is a very Christian person? He’d always come across to us like a publicly secular, church on Easter and Christmas only kinda guy who doesn’t really “buy into all that stuff.” But nope, he’s Christian as the dickens, and he sees everything as a struggle between God and Satan. American voters finally learned all of this yesterday when Matt Drudge published a 2008 speech of Santorum’s describing Satan’s attack on America. We now have to consider the possibility: Could it be that Rick Santorum is something of a religious nut?

This story, of Santorum’s Satan speech, would have just been lumped in with all the other sorta-funny Santorum crazy quotes that rise to the top of the Internet a few or ten times a day, but Matt Drudge happened to leave it up as his main story for many hours, so political editors decided that it must be very important. Yes, it’s sad but true, that editors of major political outlets still look to the goddamn Drudge Report for their story assignments all goddamn day, just as they did in 1999. (And then they get to write cutesy meta substories, like “Drudge Forging An Alliance With Romney?”, “Drudge: A Timeline of Fuckin’ Shit Up,” etc. He’s a big deal, with his linking website!)

Anyway, here’s the Santorum SECRET SATAN SPEECH that sounds like every other speech he’s ever given in his life:

“While we all see all this as a great political conflict in warfare between the Obama camp and the McCain camp and culture wars, what Bishop Aquila put his finger on and what I think, I suspect those of you who are here understand, this is not a political war at all. This is not a cultural war. This is a spiritual war.”

“And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country, the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age? There is no one else to go after other than the United States and that has been the case now for almost 200 years, once America’s preeminence was sown by our great Founding Fathers.”

Some are now wondering if Rick Santorum will “apologize.” To whom and for what? You either laugh and think he’s a nut or you speak his same Biblical language and enjoy it. It’s a strange choice of outrage for today’s Outrage of the Day. Sorta funny, though.

[CNN]

Cantankerous Jersey Shore nightclub bouncer Chris Christie found a new IDIOT [SIGH] to holler at yesterday, for being so STUPID. And it wasn’t even a public school teacher or elderly Iowan (very close, though!) or generic constituent politely asking a question. It was Warren Buffett, the scary old billionaire liberal investor who keeps whining about how he pays a lower tax rate than his slaves/parakeets/whatever and wants to change this. Well Chris Christie’s heard about enough from this old windbag creep, and his pathetic calls for raising marginal tax rates on the wealthy a few percentage points as a means of deficit-reduction.

Don’t faint all at once, press corps! Here’s your darling, yelling at a liberal:

“He should just write a check and shut up,” Christie said Tuesday on CNN’s “Piers Morgan Tonight.” “Really, and just contribute. The fact of the matter is that I’m tired of hearing about it. If he wants to give the government more money, he’s got the ability to write a check — go ahead and write it.”

He is in fact matching donations with congressmen who are also willing to send a check, which is more than he needs to do — not that it matters for him obviously; he can write large checks all day as a stunt if he wants to, because he has too much money. Republicans keep trotting out this line and by now they’re surely aware of the obvious response about the futility of one individual voluntarily paying higher taxes. Now they’re just saying it to piss off liberals, which is fine.

[POLITICO]

Do you remember the surreal “Susan B. Anthony and Frederick Douglass Prenatal Nondiscrimination Act of 2011,” the bill written in high-pitched banshee shrieks and designed to stem a fictional tide of sex- and race-based abortions? Remember how no one in real life — NO ONE — could figure out how the hell, exactly, this law could possibly be enforced, or really why it should exist at all, in any form, on any planet, at any point in geologic time? Well, everyone is still on the same page on those two points. Still stupid, still pointless, situation unchanged. But the bill’s supporters were forced to change its name, due to “objections by [House Judiciary Committee] Democrats.” The drama! The intrigue! THE ABORTIONS!

Congratulations, Rep. Hank Johnson! (NOT pictured, that’s goosey-face bill sponsor Trent Franks above.) Johnson is the unofficial Congressman of the Week, for proposing not one but two completely excellent new names for this ABORTION of an attempt at law-making. Sadly, “The Ronald Reagan Impose Your Beliefs on a Woman’s Womb Act” and “The Tea Party Determines What Rights a Woman Has Act” did not exactly resonate with the unskilled onanists responsible for the bill ultimately passing 20-13. Oh, well, thanks for the yuks anyhow, Congressman! [CNS News]

One little bit of Al Green and now everybody expects the president to sing America’s blues and soul classics. Well, why not? Thomas Jefferson loved to sing, and so did Richard Nixon. Look at old Mick Jagger hand the microphone to the president, after the R&B legends all insist the president take a verse of “Sweet Home Chicago.”

What is this, anyway? Some kind of PBS/White House blues party. It will be on the teevee February 27, but for now it is right here on your Wonkette. Here’s a short version with just the Obama singing, for those who lack the attention spans to endure two minutes of fun:

Mitt Romney plans to counter this charm offensive by singing the “Love Theme to the Salt Lake City Olympics,” in one of his more intimate yachts. [YouTube]

There are only two things that GOP state politicians in Arizona are allowed to discuss and/or think about: Hunting Mexicans on the one hand, and Another Dude’s Genitals, on the other. If Paul Babeu wasn’t enough to support this theory, former Arizona State Senator Russell Pearce — the crazed wingnut responsible for the state’s anti-brown people law who was recently recalled for being too insane even for Arizona — is now devoting his spare time to working out stand-up routines about, yes, testicles. So tell us, Russell Pearce, how do you segue from the setup, “the minister in church was giving a sermon on gratitude” to a joke about an ATV crash that ends with some guy’s nutsack being crushed?

Eh, you don’t, is perhaps the lesson here. His awkward joke was met with total silence from the audience. In case you don’t want to watch the video, the punchline of his joke is “ha ha, the word ‘sternum’ starts with the same letter as the word ‘scrotum!’”

Bonus lesson: there is always a way to free-associate sadistic Republican ball-torture fantasies with everything, using even just the alphabet, if you think about it, ahem, hard enough. Is that not hilarious? Okay, okay. “Anyway, I love this country,” he finally says to some tepid applause. [TPM]

Animal people listen up! Mitt Romney’s son Craig, of shirtless fame, kept a lil’ fish in his water bottle during his 2009 cross-country trip, just like they strapped that dog on the roof. But is it really “just like” that? No one cares about a fucking fish.

Did you know that Rick Santorum used to be all “Oh man abortion is so great” (paraphrase) (??) for most of his life? Yes, Rick Santorum! Ladies could hit up all the big sales at the Abortionplex every weekend and he’d be just fine with that. What happened? He “read the literature” when he decided to become a politician, and the literature told him no, ladies should not have this right.

The Huffo’s Sam Stein and Jason Cherkis themselves “read the literature” of Weird Rick’s interviews and candidate issue forms from the early ’90s, when he was an early foot soldier in the Gingrich Revolution but couldn’t go more than a few seconds without salivating approvingly over the very idea of abortion being legal and happening all the time:

In a December 1995 Philadelphia Magazine article — which the Huffington Post pulled from Temple University archives — Santorum conceded that he “was basically pro-choice all my life, until I ran for Congress… But it had never been something I thought about.” Asked why he changed his mind, he said that he “sat down and read the literature. Scientific literature,” only to correct himself and note that religion was a part of it too.

Don’t worry, hippies/women/American majorities. If you all just read the literature, then you’ll get to be pro-life one day, too.

[HuffPo]