People who are not Sarah Palin and/or “Snooki” may not understand the importance the Indoor Tanning Industry plays in making people look like wrinkled, rotten oranges with melanoma, but weeping boozebag would just be a bright red nose on a bloated clown face if not for the magic of the tanning beds down at the strip mall next to the “Cheap Smokes” shop. That’s why he’s happy to take the Indoor Tanning Industry’s big money to make sure burnt orange trailer trash Americans retain their White American rights to turn into cancer-ridden Medicare charity cases.

Think Progress reports on this not-really-shocking development in the Lobbying World of amoral congressional leadership:

The Indoor Tanning Industry’s political action committee has contributed $5,000 House Speaker John Boehner’s (R-OH) campaign account and another $5,000 to the National Republican Congressional Campaign’s Boehner for Speaker Committee.

A small reward for Boehner putting tanning beds into the Affordable Care Act! [Think Progress via Monsieur Grumpe]

Uhh, wasn’t this supposed to be wrapped up by now? No. Not when all your candidates are so terrible. Rick Santorum is back in the race, in other words. He won Missouri! That’s … let’s see, 55% for Santorum, which is DOUBLE Mitt Romney’s second place finish. Meanwhile, in the “near the Mormons” state of Colorado, Mittens is making an impressive showing of … third. Newt Gingrich should have this nomination wrapped up pretty soon now, whenever “Texas” happens, right? Mitt Romney is the world’s lamest front runner since, we guess, Walter Mondale? And now Santorum has officially won Minnesota, too. Will it be a THREEPEAT, or whatever? UPDATE: Oh boy, it’s a threepeat. After his triple-penetration three-way, Santorum said “that conservatives are beginning to get it that we present the best opportunity to beat President Obama.” We sure hope so!

Screengrab via Wonkette operative “Rod T.”

Missouri somehow has more delegates than Florida — because Florida’s GOP pissed away half its delegates in order to have an earlier primary, to benefit tourism or something? They’ve got that new Harry Potter ride down at the theme park.

Rick Santorum is currently killing in the Minnesota and Colorado results — in Minnesota, Ron Paul is a distant second place, and Romney’s at 17%, hahahaha. What is happening? Will the Republican Party finally self-destruct for the amusement of everyone sane on Earth? Were the Mayans talking about the GOP all this time?

Rick Santorum was poised for a breakthrough night on Tuesday in three contests that could provide a boost to the former Pennsylvania senator’s efforts to slow Mitt Romney’s march to the Republican presidential nomination.

We will either update this post, or perhaps because “Newell got out of bed,” we will have a new post, with LIVEBLOGGING? Text #NEWELLCOMEON using your Android pro-life phone and let’s see what happens. [Washington Post]

“Florida is a microcosm of America,” we just heard one of the Romney and/or Gingrich spin-whores say on the MSNBC just now. Yes, because Florida is a limp dick dangling over a sex-slave resort in the Dominican Republic or whatever. Also, America is truly a symbol of America. Just look at the map, and look at it in profile. What you’ll see is a morbidly obese man with a pinhead and a dangling, useless dongle, with a massive ass to the west and a couple of unloved children from his first or second marriage literally “out to sea.” Anyway, how badly will Mittens beat the jewelry piglet tonight? Or will there be a surprise?

7:45 PM — Polls are closed in the “fancy part” of Florida, with the Jews and the Blacks and the Cubanos and the gay CIA retirees, while polls remain open for another fifteen minutes in the “Dukes of Hazard” part of Florida, with the angry 60-year-old thrice-divorced small-time property speculators fuming in their single-wides tonight. Which part of the state is “more American,” anyway?
7:48 PM — The important thing, for comedy reasons, is that Newt WILL NOT DROP OUT, not for many more weeks or possibly even many months. This is *crucial* for the nation’s comedy industry.
7:50 PM — Speaking of the comedy industry, we don’t know who all might be showing up to liveblog tonight’s mini-festival of graft and No Shame. So, perhaps the various contributors will introduce themselves when they take the Relay Dildo of Freedom? Probably not. Probably it will remain mysterious.
7:55 PM — But with the half of the state that has already finished, Romney is apparently leading with 48%. The Newt waddles behind with 31%, Internet joke Rick Santorum has 13%, and all the laser-printed Ron Paul flyers in Florida can’t keep the old newsletter confederate from topping 7%.
8:01 PM — And now it’s “official,” Mittens Moneybags “Willard” Romney won Florida, yayyyy!
8:41 PM — Uhh, and that was all of the news, wasn’t it? We will look for some funny video clips?

8:55 PM — Haha, why is Mormon Frenchman Mitt Romney forcing Holocaust survivors to eat this actual Arab pig meat for Passover? Vote Newt Gingrich to stop the outrage.
9:40 PM — Newt Gingrich refuses to prank call Mitt Romney to congratulate the liberal atheist on his big victory!
9:48 PM — But what did the “web pundits” say about Newt’s frothing speech?

The Europeans just cannot get enough of our First Lady Michelle Obama. She is all they have right now, with their money spinning down the toilet and Heidi Klum experiencing a divorce tragedy, etc. Last week, the French shared their opinions about Michelle Obama and her brave decision to not dress like MC Hammer. Now, of course, the British have decided that they do not like competing with France for the title of “Country With Best Insane Published Writing About FLOTUS.” But their take on Michelle Obama is a little more “saucy,” as they would say, because it involves (tee hee!) underpants!

Several funny “news” outlets published claims that our fancypants Michelle Obama spent what we guess is about $50,000 on actual fancy pants.

Michelle Obama is reportedly sexing up the White House after blowing £32,000 on saucy underwear.

America’s First Lady splashed the cash in ONE DAY during a shopping spree in New York’s Agent Provocateur store.

She bought posh pants and a £900 corset while out with the Queen of Qatar, Sheikha Mozah.

We can just imagine all the fun they must have had in the dressing room, giggling about cosmopolitans and Sharia law! The White House is rejecting the story, but it would make for an excellent plot line in an eventual FLOTUS comic series, in which she would most likely be dressed in lingerie (and a cape) and fighting off Rush Limbaugh with her magic garden shears. [The Mirror]

Randy “Duke” Cunningham was a fantastic Republican congressman. After a career bombing peasants in Vietnam, he came back to teach pilots at an ugly suburban theme park based on the Tom Cruise movie Top Gun, and then “Duke” became a congressman from San Diego, until his inevitable conviction for fraud and bribery and douchery and Viagra sex crimes with hookers ended his time in the House of Representatives. Since then, he has toured various prisons and is now locked up in the federal penitentiary outside Tucson, where he offered Newt Gingrich a very special endorsement.

Cunningham is in some white-collar prison where there’s lots of time to watch Fox News and fart around on the Internet, so life for “Duke” is not much different than it is for other old Republican men living alone with their rage and failure. Here’s the email Cunningham supposedly sent to his House colleague Newt Gingrich:

Newt, a voice out of the past. Down but not out and still fighting. First I do not want anything from you but have been watching the debates. I have 80% of inmates that would vote for you. They might not be able to but their extended families will.

Ha ha, sorry we can’t vote, we’re all felons. And who are the 20% in this white-collar prison for Republican crooks who will not support the Newt? Is there maybe a welfare minority in this fancy jail? [Voice of San Diego]

In an article in the French version of Elle magazine called — yes, really — “Black Fashion Power,” writer Nathalie Dolivo discusses Michelle Obama’s style and the fact that she’s allowing black women to finally dress well, godddddd, what took so long? The article, which appears to have since been removed from the Elle France website (clicking on the link now reveals an “OUPS!” message — “OUPS,” indeed), says that our FLOTUS’s sense of style means that “chic has become a plausible option for a community so far pegged to its codes [of] streetwear.” Lord.

Fond of puns and made-up words as well as racist remarks, Dolivo also invented the term “black-geoisie” for the purposes of this article to mean…well, black women coopting the style of the bourgeoisie. Because the bourgeoisie is white, duh!

After having a few more glasses of lunchtime wine and arranging her bangs just so, Dolivo also decided that Mrs. Obama retains elements of being black by including accessories like “a shell necklace” into her white bourgeois outfits. She also described Michelle Obama’s style as a “jazzy” take on Jackie Kennedy’s style.

Here is a vast portion of the diarrhea in one place:

In this America led for the first time a black president, the chic has become a plausible option for a community so far pegged to its codes [of] streetwear … But if in 2012 the “black-geoisie” has integrated all the white codes, it does not [do so] literally. [There] is always a classic twist, with a bourgeois ethnic reference (a batik-printed turban/robe, a shell necklace, a ‘créole de rappeur’) that recalls the roots.

Malheureusement, commentators across various fashion blogs covering this story have noted that this kind of stance isn’t really all that surprising in France (or, umm, the Netherlands). Says one commentator on Fashion Bomb Daily, an early Stateside reporter of this gaffe-within-a-gaffe-within-a-gaffe, “The saddest thing is that this stupid journalist thought she was doing something positive for us. And that’s what many French people would see in this article. I’m sure that even educated French people wouldn’t see any offense in this.”

As of yet, no apologies from Dolivo, but here’s her TWITTEUR for anyone who wants to send her pictures of Anthony’s Wiener schnitzel or people committing adulterous acts with baguettes. [Fashion Bomb Daily via The Gloss]

What’s in your anusburger, Oklahoma, besides cow rectums, sawdust and glue? It can be hard to tell! Have you ever, as a result, worried to yourself, what if there are also ground up aborted human fetuses in here and I don’t even realize it? Oklahoma state Senator Ralph Shortey — his real name! — worries so fervently about this possibility that he went and introduced a bill banning the use of aborted fetuses as an ingredient in “food or any other product intended for human consumption.” You know, JUST IN CASE, GUYS. (Dog food, on the other hand, is fine.)

Here is the entire text of Shortey’s bill, which we pray is the last remaining evidence of human civilization when aliens finally discover Earth:

No person or entity shall manufacture or knowingly sell food or any other product intended for human consumption which contains aborted human fetuses in the ingredients or which used aborted human fetuses in the research or development of any of the ingredients.

OH and also this award-winning soundbite from Shortey, who may or may not have shot three syringes full of psilocybin into his eyeballs immediately before he talked to this KRMG news reporter:

“There is a potential that there are companies that are using aborted human babies in their research and development of basically enhancing flavor for artificial flavors,” says Shortey.

He admits he has no evidence that this fetus food nightmare is currently happening in Oklahoma or anywhere else, but then again there’s no evidence that an invisible giant lizard isn’t responsible every time Ralph Shortey’s car keys are definitely not where he left them last time. So there. [KRMG.com/ The Lost Ogle; Thanks to Wonkette operative "Steve B."]